Un-Happily Ever After?

16 12 2009

The party to celebrate my niece’s wedding is this weekend, so I’ve scoured the internet to find amusing bits of wisdom to pass along to her and her new spouse.  But I’ve found more witticisms suggesting marriage is a bad idea.  And more often than not, the  comments lay the blame on the woman.  She spends too much.  She talks too much.  She’s too demanding.  Not true!  Not fair!

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. — H.V. Prochnow
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. — Lyndon B. Johnson
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t. — Unknown
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot. — Minnie Pearl
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. — Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? — Barbra Streisand
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. — Lewis Grizzard
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. —  Helen Rowland
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. — G. K. Chesterton
A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it. — Unknown
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. — Jimmy Durante
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. — James Holt McGavran
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. — Evelyn Hendrickson
One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. — Judith Viorst
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. — Billy Connolly
Car Manufacturer’s formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model! — Unknown
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. — Joey Adams
Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. — Unknown
Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do. — Bettina Arndt
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. — Henry Youngman
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. — Raymond Hull
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. — Anonymous
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” — Anonymous
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. — Anonymous
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. — Brendan Francis
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. — Erma Bombeck
I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. — Helen Rowland
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.  There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. — Henry Kissinger
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. — Jean Kerr
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.–  Joan Crawford
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. — Jonathan Carroll
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. — Natalie Wood
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? — Rita Rudner
Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. — Tommy Dewar
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? — George Carlin
Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper. — Scotts Proverb
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. — Rita Rudner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. — Benjamin Franklin
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren’t. — Sacha Guitry
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. — Anonymous
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. — Helen Rowland
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. — Woody Allen
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house. — George Burns
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. — Henny Youngman
When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I’ve done my job. — Roseanne Barr
Cherie has many excellent qualities, but once she goes to sleep, it takes a minor nuclear explosion to wake her up. —  Tony Blair
A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late. — (The Joker is Wild, 1957) Frank Sinatra
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. — Alan King
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Anne Bancroft
I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it. — Walter Matthau
If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice. — Estelle Getty
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. — Bob Monkhous
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. — Woody Allen
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. —  Jack Benny
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. — Helen Rowland
A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time. — Jean Rostand
Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. — Dr. Joyce Brothers

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One response

17 12 2009
Mary Lee

Copied it for the “ladies” downstairs…I KNOW they’ll love them. Hope it’s a fun time for all!

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